Most of us don't think we criticize our husbands. Some of us are honest enough to admit to offering him "constructive criticism" (as if that were not pure myth) at one time or another. I really thought I was doing pretty good in this area--not in a self-righteous way exactly, but in a way that I told myself I could work on a different problem area and leave that one behind.
My husband is very efficient at work. He's become a manager at every place he has worked because he knows how to get things done and how to work with employees. Late in one of my pregnancies, I struggled to get laundry done because of having to navigate two flights of stairs with a bulging belly and a full laundry basket with ever-increasing fatigue. Ever helpful and efficient, he came to my rescue. After carrying the heavy baskets to the basement laundry room, he put a load I had started in the dryer and another in the washer. When the washer load was done, the dryer had not yet stopped running, so he piled the wet clothes atop the dryer and refilled the washer. This is not the way I usually do laundry. Of course, I also was not getting the laundry done in a timely fashion, which is why he was helping in the first place. I laughingly shared his laundry methods with my mom in the presence of my husband a bit later. We all chuckled about the different way we do things and I forgot about it.
Much later, my husband and I were having a conversation about working around the house, and he stated that when he helped it wasn't good enough for me. I was truly shocked. I never felt that way at all! I asked him to explain, and he reminded me of the time he helped with laundry and I didn't like how it was done.
In my mind, I had been making a joke. In his mind, I had been complaining about his work. Yes, we think differently--men and women. However, not all criticism is mean-spirited and angry. I am trying to remember as a wife that what I say in front of others or even directly to my husband should be judged by its content as critical or not. Even if I say it in a "nice" or "funny" way, it can be criticism. One definition of criticism, according to dictionary.com is " the act or art of analyzing and evaluating or judging the quality of... work, ...etc." Well, I guess my evaluation of Jeff's laundry job was criticism then because it wasn't "how I would have done it".
A wise, older lady I once knew often said, "Behind every joke is something that's not very funny." Will you accept the challenge with me? Let's make sure our words are edifying and inspiring--not just on the surface but all the way to the content.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Picture of Today's Homemaker
In today's home post, I want to take the challenge Kelly posted earlier this week:
My picture of the modern day homemaker would be largely a portrait of myself because that is, of course, the image I live with each day! That is not to say that it is a good picture or even an typical picture (are there any typical homemakers? or any typical non-homemakers for that matter?), but a real-life picture, nonetheless.
The feminist movement would say I am slave to a man. I know that I have a beautiful, Godly love relationship with the most important human being to me on this earth. He demands nothing of me. Anything I do for him is loving service which is totally voluntary and reciprocated by him.
The feminist movement would say I am encumbered by child care. I know that I have the blessed privilege to carry, to bear, to enjoy, to teach, to train, and to love the unique blessings God has given to me.
The feminist movement would say I am stifled in the four walls of my home. I know that I have more freedom than any woman reporting to a boss and chained to a desk. I give my time to those I love, report to my Heavenly Father and a husband who loves me and have the freedom to go when and where I wish.
The feminist movement would say I am lazy. I know that the value of work is not defined by the amount of money received for it. Neither is it measured by the amount of time put into it (if it were I would definitely have any full-time employee beat!). The value of any work is measured by whether it brings glory to God and whether it has eternal benefits and sufficient return for the time invested.
The feminist movement would say I have no vision for the future. I know that my children's eternal destiny is largely dependent upon the training they receive at my hand and that of my husband.
The feminist movement would say my days are unimaginative. The feminist movement has never lived with a precocious first grader, an active three-year-old and a delightful baby.
The feminist movement would say I am unfulfilled. I know that my best talents, though they be few and small, are exercised every day within the scope of my home and motherhood. I know that I am, without hypocrisy, completely content and satisfied with the calling the Lord has given me.
I am a real woman with real struggles.I laugh. I cry. I don't pretend that everything is wonderful, but I can't deny the work of God in my life. I allow God to work in your life as well even if you are not a full-time homemaker like me. What's your picture?
Go ahead and add your "picture" in the comments or put a link back to your blog post about it. I'd love to read it!
I want to challenge you to paint your own picture of the modern day homemaker (if you have a blog, start there; if not, start talking!) Our culture needs the true message--not a concocted one that props up a flimsy agenda, but a living, real message that tells women it is GOOD and NOBLE to devote their lives to strengthening their homes, communities and nations. That a home neglected is a weak home; and a weak home gives way to a weak neighborhood; and a weak neighborhood can only be a crumbling foundation for a nation. (Read entire post here.)
My picture of the modern day homemaker would be largely a portrait of myself because that is, of course, the image I live with each day! That is not to say that it is a good picture or even an typical picture (are there any typical homemakers? or any typical non-homemakers for that matter?), but a real-life picture, nonetheless.
The feminist movement would say I am slave to a man. I know that I have a beautiful, Godly love relationship with the most important human being to me on this earth. He demands nothing of me. Anything I do for him is loving service which is totally voluntary and reciprocated by him.
The feminist movement would say I am encumbered by child care. I know that I have the blessed privilege to carry, to bear, to enjoy, to teach, to train, and to love the unique blessings God has given to me.
The feminist movement would say I am stifled in the four walls of my home. I know that I have more freedom than any woman reporting to a boss and chained to a desk. I give my time to those I love, report to my Heavenly Father and a husband who loves me and have the freedom to go when and where I wish.
The feminist movement would say I am lazy. I know that the value of work is not defined by the amount of money received for it. Neither is it measured by the amount of time put into it (if it were I would definitely have any full-time employee beat!). The value of any work is measured by whether it brings glory to God and whether it has eternal benefits and sufficient return for the time invested.
The feminist movement would say I have no vision for the future. I know that my children's eternal destiny is largely dependent upon the training they receive at my hand and that of my husband.
The feminist movement would say my days are unimaginative. The feminist movement has never lived with a precocious first grader, an active three-year-old and a delightful baby.
The feminist movement would say I am unfulfilled. I know that my best talents, though they be few and small, are exercised every day within the scope of my home and motherhood. I know that I am, without hypocrisy, completely content and satisfied with the calling the Lord has given me.
I am a real woman with real struggles.I laugh. I cry. I don't pretend that everything is wonderful, but I can't deny the work of God in my life. I allow God to work in your life as well even if you are not a full-time homemaker like me. What's your picture?
Go ahead and add your "picture" in the comments or put a link back to your blog post about it. I'd love to read it!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Guest Post: Our Family's Homeschool Adventure
Thank you to my friend and veteran homeschooler, Donna, for today's post!
Many times I have been asked why we chose to homeschool when there other educational opportunities available. Our story is perhaps unusual in some ways, but very typical in other ways.
Just for background sake, let me introduce my sons to you and perhaps you will understand what influenced our family to follow God’s leadings to homeschool all the way to the finish line!
Samuel is my firstborn son, happy-go-lucky, cheerful, bubbly, curious, and never has been still for a minute in his entire life! He is extremely intelligent and asked the kazillions of questions every day. He has the memory of an elephant and is known in college as a walking encyclopedia! When he turned 5 we enrolled him in a Christian Day School…for about a month! His teacher told us that he was going to fail kindergarten because he simply would not sit in his seat and write numbers and letters all day like the others in his class! We could not accept that! Yes, at home he was a strong-willed, manipulative little creature, but to be a failure so early in his life….not after all he had been through. His teacher simply did not understand what we understood. After all we were his parents and knew how he learned best…even if it meant standing on his head or flopping over the steps upside down! We discovered that he was a kinesthetic learner—they learn by accident on the run from one adventure to another!
He was born with a congenital heart defect that added to the challenges of homeschooling with his dysgraphia, ADHD and a few other things added in for good measure. But he is being changed by the power of God! Today, he is in Bible College and will graduate next year with a degree in pastoral ministries. He also has an awesome talent for photography and producing slide shows for special events.
Bradley is my youngest son and so different than his brother. He was cuddly, lovable, sensitive and compliant, yet a rough and tumble boy… and it took a long time to figure out how to relate to him. I understood how to manage his wiggly brother, but he wasn’t his brother! He was a unique creation of God with his own talents and as his mother, I needed to speak his language. It took 6 years of frustration on my part to finally understand what made him tick. One day, we got an old upright piano. Like most young children he was curious about the piano. He wasn’t like his brother when he “played the piano”. He would hit one note, then two, then three, placing the sounds together. Finally, he began to make the discordant sounds to change to chords and melodies! He was a musically gifted child and today plays the piano very well! That day, while he spent his time plunking out different sounds on that old piano, I knew how to relate to him. He was an auditory learner, responding to sounds of music! I understood his annoying habit of humming when he was doing school or whatever else he was doing. He was hearing music in his head and it helped him to concentrate and think better. It was the key I was looking for. I chose his curriculum to match his style of learning and it worked!!!
Bradley’s life is taking a different path than that of his older brother. His education was geared differently and he had some absolutely overwhelming odds to overcome in his learning, but he has succeeded! He is enrolled in Liberty University online as a psychology major and enjoys his music (except opera and I can’t say that I blame him on that one!) His future plans are to work with troubled youth.
So, to bring this puppy in for a landing, we chose to homeschool because God led us to do so. I had other plans. I wanted to drop the kids off at school and spend my days working part time at something that I wanted to do. After all, wasn’t that the normal thing to do? Not for me!
Homeschooling was a real challenge, yet was so rewarding! We spent days of happiness and enjoying learning. Other days did not have happiness in its job description! Sometimes the house looked like an F-4 tornado went through it. The dishes were piled up and “somebody did something wrong was the day’s theme song” so to speak, but we survived…and we can look back now and see the real blessings of God because our family homeschooled.
Donna McHugh is married to David for 22 ½ years.
Her sons are 20 and 18 years old.
Now that homeschooling is done, she spends her
spare time writing special programs for churches, hosting
traveling missionary families, and entertaining friends,
hungry college students and others. When she is really bored,
she likes to do crostics and other word puzzles.
Many times I have been asked why we chose to homeschool when there other educational opportunities available. Our story is perhaps unusual in some ways, but very typical in other ways.
Just for background sake, let me introduce my sons to you and perhaps you will understand what influenced our family to follow God’s leadings to homeschool all the way to the finish line!
Samuel is my firstborn son, happy-go-lucky, cheerful, bubbly, curious, and never has been still for a minute in his entire life! He is extremely intelligent and asked the kazillions of questions every day. He has the memory of an elephant and is known in college as a walking encyclopedia! When he turned 5 we enrolled him in a Christian Day School…for about a month! His teacher told us that he was going to fail kindergarten because he simply would not sit in his seat and write numbers and letters all day like the others in his class! We could not accept that! Yes, at home he was a strong-willed, manipulative little creature, but to be a failure so early in his life….not after all he had been through. His teacher simply did not understand what we understood. After all we were his parents and knew how he learned best…even if it meant standing on his head or flopping over the steps upside down! We discovered that he was a kinesthetic learner—they learn by accident on the run from one adventure to another!
He was born with a congenital heart defect that added to the challenges of homeschooling with his dysgraphia, ADHD and a few other things added in for good measure. But he is being changed by the power of God! Today, he is in Bible College and will graduate next year with a degree in pastoral ministries. He also has an awesome talent for photography and producing slide shows for special events.
Bradley is my youngest son and so different than his brother. He was cuddly, lovable, sensitive and compliant, yet a rough and tumble boy… and it took a long time to figure out how to relate to him. I understood how to manage his wiggly brother, but he wasn’t his brother! He was a unique creation of God with his own talents and as his mother, I needed to speak his language. It took 6 years of frustration on my part to finally understand what made him tick. One day, we got an old upright piano. Like most young children he was curious about the piano. He wasn’t like his brother when he “played the piano”. He would hit one note, then two, then three, placing the sounds together. Finally, he began to make the discordant sounds to change to chords and melodies! He was a musically gifted child and today plays the piano very well! That day, while he spent his time plunking out different sounds on that old piano, I knew how to relate to him. He was an auditory learner, responding to sounds of music! I understood his annoying habit of humming when he was doing school or whatever else he was doing. He was hearing music in his head and it helped him to concentrate and think better. It was the key I was looking for. I chose his curriculum to match his style of learning and it worked!!!
Bradley’s life is taking a different path than that of his older brother. His education was geared differently and he had some absolutely overwhelming odds to overcome in his learning, but he has succeeded! He is enrolled in Liberty University online as a psychology major and enjoys his music (except opera and I can’t say that I blame him on that one!) His future plans are to work with troubled youth.
So, to bring this puppy in for a landing, we chose to homeschool because God led us to do so. I had other plans. I wanted to drop the kids off at school and spend my days working part time at something that I wanted to do. After all, wasn’t that the normal thing to do? Not for me!
Homeschooling was a real challenge, yet was so rewarding! We spent days of happiness and enjoying learning. Other days did not have happiness in its job description! Sometimes the house looked like an F-4 tornado went through it. The dishes were piled up and “somebody did something wrong was the day’s theme song” so to speak, but we survived…and we can look back now and see the real blessings of God because our family homeschooled.
Donna McHugh is married to David for 22 ½ years.
Her sons are 20 and 18 years old.
Now that homeschooling is done, she spends her
spare time writing special programs for churches, hosting
traveling missionary families, and entertaining friends,
hungry college students and others. When she is really bored,
she likes to do crostics and other word puzzles.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Fighting for The Cause
The din of gunfire is deafening, exploding in my ears so rapidly that one sound is still echoing when another begins. I fight with all that is in me, sweat pouring from my body and my chest heaving. I look to my right and I see a dear comrade in battle fall, wounded. To my left, I hear another gasping for air and moaning in pain. My heart torn, I focus on the present enemy engaging me, yet I feel compelled to run to their side and breathe life back into them. If only I could! However, I'm just a private. I have little experience in battle and none as a medic. I feel my morale lagging a bit, then I remember the enemy, I recall the cause and I reload, ready for another round. I look ahead to one of the commanders just in time to see him hit the ground... hard. I stagger and my mind is deflected from the battle for a moment. NO! Not him, not her! Because, yes, there is another one fallen. I am fighting with all that is in me, but if they can fall what hope is there for my life, or more importantly for the cause? The voices of my training echo back to me, first faintly, then with resounding intensity: "Never retreat! Never retreat! Never retreat!" I stumble forward, wiping my brow. My hand comes away red, tears of anger and determination burn at the corners of my eyes and I propel myself forward. Fight I must, but first....I drop to my knees near my comrade, "Don't worry" I yell near her ear, trying to drown out the cacophony, "I'm going to get you help!" "Too late....,"her voice comes out in a whisper. "No! It's not! It's not too late!" In desperation I tug at her, trying to lift her, when I see the most welcome of sights. Running toward me is Him....the Commander-in-Chief....He kneels next to her, taking over and I step back. She is safe with Him and so are the others falling left and right. I return to the battle. No, I am not highly trained, fresh out of boot camp, but The Cause compels me to give my all and I am not retreating!
I've heard of a lot of marriage failures lately. The reasons are varied....a wife wants to "do her own thing" and "find someone who understands her" and rejects her husband to which she made vows, a husband goes through "midlife crisis" and leaves his family behind for the promise of another woman's love, a husband is caught viewing pornographic images, a wife "doesn't want to be married anymore", a man or woman decides to find "fulfillment" in another of their own gender rather than God's design for marriage. Even more scary are the ministry leaders---pastors, teachers, musicians and youth ministers--who have been practicing the sinful behaviors for years and it is just now coming to the surface. No, it's not new, but it's more accessible now. The media, technology, and tolerance towards sin make it so much easier to yield to the temptations the enemy has always thrown at us.
So what should my response be? As I sat in tears while praying this morning, I did the only thing I knew to do besides prayer. I wrote. I plead with you....remember the Cause! Make your relationship with Christ a priority! Devote your time and energy to your marriage next! Don't succumb to Satan's gunfire!
My husband and I were just talking about this last night as we discussed the latest moral failure. These reports shake me to my core, but I know my God is powerful! These people don't need a smug Pharisee standing over them, nodding knowingly, "Yep, looks like they're finished! There goes a marriage and ministry down the drain." No, after adjusting our own armor to ward off attacks on our own marriages and ministries (yes, we all have a ministry!), we must get down beside that fallen one, wipe away the blood and ask, "How can I help you get back into the battle?" Not only the life of our brother or sister depends upon it, but a world is looking on. We must be the reference point for victory, healing and compassion in their lives. Lord, help me to remember the Cause and my sister as well!
I've heard of a lot of marriage failures lately. The reasons are varied....a wife wants to "do her own thing" and "find someone who understands her" and rejects her husband to which she made vows, a husband goes through "midlife crisis" and leaves his family behind for the promise of another woman's love, a husband is caught viewing pornographic images, a wife "doesn't want to be married anymore", a man or woman decides to find "fulfillment" in another of their own gender rather than God's design for marriage. Even more scary are the ministry leaders---pastors, teachers, musicians and youth ministers--who have been practicing the sinful behaviors for years and it is just now coming to the surface. No, it's not new, but it's more accessible now. The media, technology, and tolerance towards sin make it so much easier to yield to the temptations the enemy has always thrown at us.
So what should my response be? As I sat in tears while praying this morning, I did the only thing I knew to do besides prayer. I wrote. I plead with you....remember the Cause! Make your relationship with Christ a priority! Devote your time and energy to your marriage next! Don't succumb to Satan's gunfire!
My husband and I were just talking about this last night as we discussed the latest moral failure. These reports shake me to my core, but I know my God is powerful! These people don't need a smug Pharisee standing over them, nodding knowingly, "Yep, looks like they're finished! There goes a marriage and ministry down the drain." No, after adjusting our own armor to ward off attacks on our own marriages and ministries (yes, we all have a ministry!), we must get down beside that fallen one, wipe away the blood and ask, "How can I help you get back into the battle?" Not only the life of our brother or sister depends upon it, but a world is looking on. We must be the reference point for victory, healing and compassion in their lives. Lord, help me to remember the Cause and my sister as well!
Friday, March 20, 2009
In My Home This Week
Since, as I've told you before, I struggle with many aspects of homemaking; I've decided to add this as a fairly regular feature instead. If it bores you to read about my week, then just skip over this post. However, you may find some of the links helpful, so don't write it off too quickly! :-)
In the kitchen....I decided not to use the homemade mayo recipe I posted last week since it uses raw eggs. I am a little leery of this especially since I don't have a good source for free-range eggs. I am going to try this one instead. I did use my bread machine to make pita bread. It was a big success, and I can't wait to try the whole wheat one. Trying to decide how to use up what was in my freezer, I pulled out some of the cooked hamburger to make goulash. It turns out I was missing a few key ingredients. So, stretching my creative powers to their limits, I made Mexican goulash complete with mozzarella cheese since the kids had finished the cheddar at lunch and the last of the Fritos (oops, I'll have to add extra onions to my husband's sandwich tomorrow!). One of my children had three helpings, so it must not have been too bad. However, I think I'd better make a trip to the grocery store tomorrow!
My deal of the week....new sheets for our beds! The colors are a little crazy since they were on clearance, but The Company Store had them as little as $1.99! I checked at WalMart and couldn't even find a better deal on their lesser quality sheets.
On my bookshelf....I have a LOT of library books that all came in at once. I will probably do a book review on all the books in my sidebar list later on this month. However, right now I'm in the middle of two books: The Plug In Drug by Marie Winn and When the Fairy Dust Settles by Janet Parshall and Sarah Parshall Perry. I referred to the latter one in Wednesday's post.
In the basement....I'm still clearing out baby clothes. I have two big bags and four boxes in my car right now ready to be dropped off at different places, and I have hardly made a dent in all I have stored. I've received one gift card to Children's Orchard and have two mamas and a crisis pregnancy center ready to receive the rest.
Spring cleaning....The only difference between my regular cleaning routine and my spring cleaning routine is the season in which it is done. I usually do a little each day, but we are trying to have a cleaning day where we do most of the big chores all at once. Each child chose a monthly task they wanted to do, then we all pitched in with the weekly chores.
In homeschooling....Heritage Studies became a lesson on adoption and abortion and teaching my first grader place value became a lesson for me when my 3-year-old recognized just about every number--not a great feat but one I didn't have to teach him!
My online picks of the week....Mary Kassian's True Woman Conference speech that I found out about from Kelly, successfully selling on Craigslist, saving money on groceries, free Sunday School printables and the Old Schoolhouse Planner that I really want to get for next year! I'm also still enjoying the online health classes I mentioned last week.
Feel free to share some of your home adventures this week!
In the kitchen....I decided not to use the homemade mayo recipe I posted last week since it uses raw eggs. I am a little leery of this especially since I don't have a good source for free-range eggs. I am going to try this one instead. I did use my bread machine to make pita bread. It was a big success, and I can't wait to try the whole wheat one. Trying to decide how to use up what was in my freezer, I pulled out some of the cooked hamburger to make goulash. It turns out I was missing a few key ingredients. So, stretching my creative powers to their limits, I made Mexican goulash complete with mozzarella cheese since the kids had finished the cheddar at lunch and the last of the Fritos (oops, I'll have to add extra onions to my husband's sandwich tomorrow!). One of my children had three helpings, so it must not have been too bad. However, I think I'd better make a trip to the grocery store tomorrow!
My deal of the week....new sheets for our beds! The colors are a little crazy since they were on clearance, but The Company Store had them as little as $1.99! I checked at WalMart and couldn't even find a better deal on their lesser quality sheets.
On my bookshelf....I have a LOT of library books that all came in at once. I will probably do a book review on all the books in my sidebar list later on this month. However, right now I'm in the middle of two books: The Plug In Drug by Marie Winn and When the Fairy Dust Settles by Janet Parshall and Sarah Parshall Perry. I referred to the latter one in Wednesday's post.
In the basement....I'm still clearing out baby clothes. I have two big bags and four boxes in my car right now ready to be dropped off at different places, and I have hardly made a dent in all I have stored. I've received one gift card to Children's Orchard and have two mamas and a crisis pregnancy center ready to receive the rest.
Spring cleaning....The only difference between my regular cleaning routine and my spring cleaning routine is the season in which it is done. I usually do a little each day, but we are trying to have a cleaning day where we do most of the big chores all at once. Each child chose a monthly task they wanted to do, then we all pitched in with the weekly chores.
In homeschooling....Heritage Studies became a lesson on adoption and abortion and teaching my first grader place value became a lesson for me when my 3-year-old recognized just about every number--not a great feat but one I didn't have to teach him!
My online picks of the week....Mary Kassian's True Woman Conference speech that I found out about from Kelly, successfully selling on Craigslist, saving money on groceries, free Sunday School printables and the Old Schoolhouse Planner that I really want to get for next year! I'm also still enjoying the online health classes I mentioned last week.
Feel free to share some of your home adventures this week!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The Season Principle
As wives, mothers and keepers of the home trying to do our best at our various "jobs"; it is easy to get overwhelmed. Most of us have been affected by the feminist ideologies that were widely propagated during our mothers' era. As Christian women, we aren't comfortable with the "it's all about me" attitude of feminists, but many questions run through our minds. I'm going to list a few of the questions that I have on a regular basis and what wiser, older women keep sending back as the answer.
1. Do I need to aspire for "supermom" status?
Answer: In case you hadn't noticed already, you're never going to reach it. Trying to do so will result in something like a hamster on its wheel.
2. Can a woman really "have it all"?
Answer: To quote Janet Parshall, "You can have it all, just not all at the same time."
3. Will things get better when....(fill in the blank, i.e. ....I lose weight, .....my kids grow up, ....I/my husband get/gets a better job)?
Answer: Probably not. There will always be something else you'll want to accomplish before things are "perfect".
4. How can I ever measure up to the famed "Proverbs 31 woman" and what she accomplished?
The truth is, according to many Bible scholars that I've read, that she wasn't a real person, just an ideal for us to follow. As another person pointed out, she accomplished much, but not all at the same time.
Are you seeing a pattern here? It's what I call the season principle. This is definitely not my original idea. Many women issues speakers and authors have addressed it. More importantly, God addressed it in Ecclesiastes 3:1, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven".
For you fiction-lovers, this principle is beautifully expressed in the Seasons books by Beverly LaHaye and Terri Blackstock. For those of us who love things spelled out in no-nonsense terms, I will again quote Janet Parshall from the book she co-authored with her daughter, When the Fairy Dust Settles:
Janet is now an important voice for Christian women through her radio program and has done much work in Washington, D.C. even sitting with the president of the United States. However, when her four, closely-spaced children were small, she devoted her time and her heart to them, not even working outside the home at all.
This is not to say that we must rush off to "make a name for ourselves" as soon as our children leave the nest. Michelle says it so beautifully here that I won't repeat it. Our calling as wives and mothers, in the words of Katherine Short, "is beyond value and needs no justification. Its importance is incalculable." However, there might be a ministry or a career for you at a later time, in another season.
I realize that some of you are pursuing this now. I am not here to quibble over whether a woman should work outside the home or what circumstances make it necessary or forbidden. May I just plead with you to consider, "Is my career or ministry choice the best for my family....for my husband, my children and even for my own spiritual good...right now?"
The feminists have set up an ideal for us that no one can truly reach. If we try to be wives, mothers, keepers of our home, ministry leaders and maintain a career at the same time, it is likely that something is going to fall through the cracks. Instead of trying to reach towards the next "big thing" in life, let us remember two things:
1. Do I need to aspire for "supermom" status?
Answer: In case you hadn't noticed already, you're never going to reach it. Trying to do so will result in something like a hamster on its wheel.
2. Can a woman really "have it all"?
Answer: To quote Janet Parshall, "You can have it all, just not all at the same time."
3. Will things get better when....(fill in the blank, i.e. ....I lose weight, .....my kids grow up, ....I/my husband get/gets a better job)?
Answer: Probably not. There will always be something else you'll want to accomplish before things are "perfect".
4. How can I ever measure up to the famed "Proverbs 31 woman" and what she accomplished?
The truth is, according to many Bible scholars that I've read, that she wasn't a real person, just an ideal for us to follow. As another person pointed out, she accomplished much, but not all at the same time.
Are you seeing a pattern here? It's what I call the season principle. This is definitely not my original idea. Many women issues speakers and authors have addressed it. More importantly, God addressed it in Ecclesiastes 3:1, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven".
For you fiction-lovers, this principle is beautifully expressed in the Seasons books by Beverly LaHaye and Terri Blackstock. For those of us who love things spelled out in no-nonsense terms, I will again quote Janet Parshall from the book she co-authored with her daughter, When the Fairy Dust Settles:
We women live our lives in seasons. There is the season of childhood and adolescence. For many, the dating and courtship season follows. Young married life with children precedes the eventual empty nest. Widowhood is the final season. True, many women stay in a season of singleness or childlessness, but regardless, all of us hear that inner clock ticking that marks the changes occurring in our bodies with the passage of time.
Janet is now an important voice for Christian women through her radio program and has done much work in Washington, D.C. even sitting with the president of the United States. However, when her four, closely-spaced children were small, she devoted her time and her heart to them, not even working outside the home at all.
This is not to say that we must rush off to "make a name for ourselves" as soon as our children leave the nest. Michelle says it so beautifully here that I won't repeat it. Our calling as wives and mothers, in the words of Katherine Short, "is beyond value and needs no justification. Its importance is incalculable." However, there might be a ministry or a career for you at a later time, in another season.
I realize that some of you are pursuing this now. I am not here to quibble over whether a woman should work outside the home or what circumstances make it necessary or forbidden. May I just plead with you to consider, "Is my career or ministry choice the best for my family....for my husband, my children and even for my own spiritual good...right now?"
The feminists have set up an ideal for us that no one can truly reach. If we try to be wives, mothers, keepers of our home, ministry leaders and maintain a career at the same time, it is likely that something is going to fall through the cracks. Instead of trying to reach towards the next "big thing" in life, let us remember two things:
- Each season has its good and bad aspects. The sixteen-year-old that finally gets her driver's license also has to contend with acne and final exams. The college student that finally is out of school "for good" now has to find a job that will support him and perhaps a family. Dating is over and we are finally married; but there are also bills to pay and important decisions to make (i.e. does the toilet paper go over or under?). When children come along, we can bemoan the sleepless nights of the newborn stage or we can joy in their velvety skin and cuddle them close. We can grumble about each stage of their lives (their lives are also unfolding in seasons), or we can find the joy and excitement of each stage.
- This moment is the prize. No matter what has happened in the past, good or bad, we can live this moment fully. We have no guarantee of the future or any of its successes, but we can live in this moment. Today, look for the joys of life and fully embrace them. Don't look back, forward or around at others. Just enjoy the prize!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Don't Forget the Onions!
Although I love being a wife and mother, there are a few of my duties I must admit that I'd rather skip. I'm sure we all have our least favorite chores. One of mine, as silly as it might sound, is packing lunches. Since we homeschool, I don't usually have to pack a lunch for my kids (believe me, I don't do it for the fun of it!), but my husband takes a lunch on his truck every day. Since he doesn't have access to a microwave, all his food has to be something he can eat cold. So, most of the time, I pack sandwiches.
That leads to another problem. My dear husband also loves onions on his sandwiches. Now, I don't have anything against onions. I eat cooked onions in many of my dishes. I will occasionally dice them really small and eat them on a salad. However, I don't like to smell large slices of onion. During my pregnancies, doing so would bring serious consequences, if you know what I mean. I guess I carried that memory over into my non-pregnant life, and I dread the inevitable daily onion-slicing.
So, I began to "skip" once in a while. "He won't mind if I don't put the onion on his sandwich today," I would say. Pretty soon, I'd go a whole week without giving my beloved any onion on his sandwiches. My Man has been very patient with me over the years, and he never complained. The only comment he would make would be when he was making his own sandwich at other-than-lunch times. "Oh, we have onions? I thought we were out."
Soon, I began to feel guilty. The Lord spoke to me, "Is that really loving your husband? You are thinking of yourself instead of him." "It's only an onion--not a big deal at all. He doesn't mind my occasionally leaving it off,"I would reply. Then I remembered it hadn't been very occasionally. I tried another tack, "Of course I love my husband! We have a wonderful relationship."
Love, I read not too long ago, as in I Corinthians 13 style love, is not a noun or an emotion. I love how the King James Version calls it "charity". When one thinks of giving to charity, they are thinking of "doing" something. Love is a verb--an action word. It is not enough for me to have "warm, fuzzy feelings" for my husband. Real, Biblical love means to express my love in action.
I still occasionally leave the onions off of my husband's sandwiches, but more often than not, the Lord quietly reminds me, "Don't forget the onions!" I smile and slice them up because it really isn't a big deal. Now if I can only remember this the next time the stomach virus hits all my kids in the same night!
Friday, March 13, 2009
In My Home This Week
I thought I would share with you a little bit of what has been going on in my home keeping adventures this week:
Spring cleaning the car....My dear husband decluttered and vacuumed the car in preparation for a weekend trip. The kids found a few miscellaneous toys they'd been missing. I found my favorite water bottle. My husband found a full can of Pepsi completely expanded from the freezing weather--thankfully it did not explode! We know better than to bring back the rule, "No eating in the car", but we are enacting the "What comes in must go out!" rule.
In the kitchen....I browned 3 pounds of hamburger I got at a good price last week and froze in meal-size portions. I added homemade taco seasoning to one pound. We enjoyed taco salad and baked rigatoni this week using the beef.
I am excited to start making bread now that I have a free bread machine. Bless the lady on freecycle who gave hers away! She had never used it and had the owner's manual with it. I didn't want to buy one because I wasn't sure I'd use it. Now I have a chance to see if I will. Anyone have a fool-proof, easy recipe to share?
In the laundry room....Spring means time to weed out all our clothes! Jerrod's closet is stocked with his 6-9 months clothes (he's growing too fast!) now. I'm taking inventory of everyone's clothes and switching over to spring and summer wardrobes. Hopefully this action will chase the rest of the cold weather away! I have Easter outfits for all the kids. I'm packing up all the clothes in my basement that the kids have outgrown, and I have an appointment at Children's Orchard on Monday! I can't wait to have more room in the basement for useful storage.
In money management....We were so happy to have our emergency fund in place when our dryer needed fixed last week and our furnace went out this week. We were also glad that my parents let us spend the night so we didn't have to freeze in our house!
Things I found helpful online this week...Modest Fashion Week, Free Online Health Classes, homemade mayo recipe, Molly Green's organizing her morning secrets, and Mint Milkshakes (just in time for St. Patrick's Day).
Share some of your "adventures" this week. I'd love to hear them!
Spring cleaning the car....My dear husband decluttered and vacuumed the car in preparation for a weekend trip. The kids found a few miscellaneous toys they'd been missing. I found my favorite water bottle. My husband found a full can of Pepsi completely expanded from the freezing weather--thankfully it did not explode! We know better than to bring back the rule, "No eating in the car", but we are enacting the "What comes in must go out!" rule.
In the kitchen....I browned 3 pounds of hamburger I got at a good price last week and froze in meal-size portions. I added homemade taco seasoning to one pound. We enjoyed taco salad and baked rigatoni this week using the beef.
I am excited to start making bread now that I have a free bread machine. Bless the lady on freecycle who gave hers away! She had never used it and had the owner's manual with it. I didn't want to buy one because I wasn't sure I'd use it. Now I have a chance to see if I will. Anyone have a fool-proof, easy recipe to share?
In the laundry room....Spring means time to weed out all our clothes! Jerrod's closet is stocked with his 6-9 months clothes (he's growing too fast!) now. I'm taking inventory of everyone's clothes and switching over to spring and summer wardrobes. Hopefully this action will chase the rest of the cold weather away! I have Easter outfits for all the kids. I'm packing up all the clothes in my basement that the kids have outgrown, and I have an appointment at Children's Orchard on Monday! I can't wait to have more room in the basement for useful storage.
In money management....We were so happy to have our emergency fund in place when our dryer needed fixed last week and our furnace went out this week. We were also glad that my parents let us spend the night so we didn't have to freeze in our house!
Things I found helpful online this week...Modest Fashion Week, Free Online Health Classes, homemade mayo recipe, Molly Green's organizing her morning secrets, and Mint Milkshakes (just in time for St. Patrick's Day).
Share some of your "adventures" this week. I'd love to hear them!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Never Forget
The humiliation of making a comment and a whole roomful of people rolling their eyes; the elation of receiving a coveted award; the frustration of being punished by a teacher for something another student did; the pride felt at a father's sincere praise; the comfort of a mother's hand on a forehead; the terror of being separated from a parent in an unfamiliar place; the acceptance of a warm hug: these are just a few of the things I never want to forget. Some of these emotions were mine over 20 years ago. Some of them were not pleasant. Some of them inconsequential. Why would I want to remember them now? Now I am a parent. I have children feeling some of the same emotions. I remember the intensity of those feelings. I also remember many adults misunderstanding or dismissing those emotions.
Dr. James Dobson says that the best secret of parenting is to get behind a child's eyes. See what they see and feel what they feel and you will be able to figure out what is causing their behavior.
I'm not a psychologist, but I have been a child. When my child acts out in anger, instead of retaliating in anger, I can remember my indignation at injustice and help them learn to deal with it in a Biblical manner. When they retreat to their room in tears, I can remember the pain of rejection and humiliation by a friend and give them empathetic comfort. I can shower them with the love, acceptance and touch that I received as a child and that gave me the affirmation I needed to face the tough times.
Yes, I can and I choose to get behind their eyes and never forget.
What memories do you have that you don't want to forget in your parenting?
Dr. James Dobson says that the best secret of parenting is to get behind a child's eyes. See what they see and feel what they feel and you will be able to figure out what is causing their behavior.
I'm not a psychologist, but I have been a child. When my child acts out in anger, instead of retaliating in anger, I can remember my indignation at injustice and help them learn to deal with it in a Biblical manner. When they retreat to their room in tears, I can remember the pain of rejection and humiliation by a friend and give them empathetic comfort. I can shower them with the love, acceptance and touch that I received as a child and that gave me the affirmation I needed to face the tough times.
Yes, I can and I choose to get behind their eyes and never forget.
What memories do you have that you don't want to forget in your parenting?
Monday, March 9, 2009
He Picked YOU
We women are notorious for playing the "comparison game". Our kids act up in the grocery store and the image of our friend with 5 children who always act perfectly polite comes to our mind. Our house looks like a tornado touched down in the living room and that friend whose house looks like a photo from Better Homes and Gardens fills our thoughts. We take up a hobby like playing the piano or scrap-booking and instead of enjoying our success and our individual gifts, we think of the woman who is so much more talented than us. I could go on, but I'm sure you're well aware of what I'm talking about.This can be a real problem when we bring this comparison into our marriages. I've been on a date with my husband; laughing, talking and having a good time when the tall, thin and blonde waitress comes to the table and I forget what I was saying because I feel so inadequate in my looks. Why do we do this to ourselves? It's a little bit like the fight my children have at breakfast sometimes. One of them will say, "I finished eating first!" " No, I did! I won!" I'm thinking, "You won? Both of you got to eat. It looks like everyone's a winner!" Silly, I know, but so is our comparing ourselves with other women.
I was talking to my husband about this recently, and he told me, "But honey, I picked you!" It's the simple truth. Of all those girls that were available, he pursued me and still shows me his love every day. I didn't look perfect then, I don't look perfect now, but he thinks (as hard as it is to believe!) that I am perfect--for him. Better yet, like God, he knows I'm not perfect and loves me anyway.
I am reminded of the story of Amy Carmichael, the great missionary to the abused children of India. As a child, she prayed for the Lord to change her brown eyes to blue. He didn't answer her prayer and years later, she thanked Him because her brown eyes were a perfect disguise as she made herself look like an Indian temple worker in order to rescue girls from the temple. Even as a child, I would wish my eyes brown instead of the green that photographers always call blue. I would practice my smile in the mirror and still be disappointed when the school photos came back. My husband once told me that the first thing he noticed about me when we met was my smile and my eyes. Go figure! Maybe I should just leave things the way God made them.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Homekeeping Extremes
Moderation is key in everything we do. This is the lesson I'm learning by experience. Food, hobbies, recreation, spending money, even ministry: all these must be disciplined or they can easily go to extremes.
I've found that I tend to vacillate between two extremes in my keeping of the home as well. The first I call "spinning my wheels". These are the days when the day seems to unfold as it will with no regard to my wishes or carefully laid plans. In all honesty, it usually starts with poor planning the night before and broken sleep from a child being awake often through the night. I wake up exhausted when Little Man cries for his morning bottle. By the time he's finished and I've made an attempt at devotions, two other children are awake and ready for breakfast. We eat in our pajamas, then clean up the kitchen, then...well, you know...it's noon before everyone is dressed and even later before school begins. When days begin like this, it seems all day like I'm a car stuck in the mud, spinning my wheels but never getting anywhere. Bedtime comes and I'm so fatigued but can't remember a single productive thing I've done all day. I hate days like that!
Usually when I've had a day like that, I decide that the next day is going to be better. I have a schedule that I AM going to follow. I get the kids to bed early. I make myself get up early no matter how many times I've been up through the night. I cook, clean, launder, and make phone calls before the kids wake up. I am on a roll...and end up rolling right over my poor kids. The same children that were allowed to eat breakfast in their pajamas the day before are whipped into shape by Drill Sargent Mama. My word for this is "driven". At the end of the day, I'm still exhausted with not much to show for it because the kids acted terrible. No one likes to be given orders all day just so a schedule can be followed.
So, the pendulum swings back and forth and I get more and more frustrated with myself. Ah! The key word is "myself". I cry to God, "Why am I not getting anywhere? Are you sure this is what you want me to do? I'm failing miserably as a mother and this house looks like a wreck!" God gently asks me, "This morning when you were so driven to be productive, did you spend time with me and ask me what I wanted you to do with your day?" I have to admit that I drove myself right through my devotions, doing most of the talking again. (I'm really good at monologue!) He continues, "When you spent the whole day spinning your wheels, did you ask for my help that morning?" I have to admit that I was so behind that day that I didn't pray much more than a half-hearted "Good morning" to my Heavenly Father.
The song, "In Christ Alone", comes to my mind then. I was "counting my diamonds" of a great schedule or a full to-do list instead of relying on God. The simple truth is no external system is adequate for a prayer-less woman. If I fail to cry out to my Father for help and guidance, I am assuredly going to fail in my productivity for the day. Even if I succeed in having dust-free surfaces and shiny floors, who gets the credit? "I can do all things through Christ Who strengtheneth me." Yes, that even includes homeschooling and mopping floors. Aren't you glad it does?
How does time with your Heavenly Father help you avoid extremes in the keeping of your home?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Investing Our Children
I was recently reading the Scripture passage in Matthew 25 about the man that gave talents to his servants. I've often heard this related to talents as in gifts that God has given us. I started thinking about it in relationship to some of the most precious gifts of all--our children.
God has given many of us children, some one, some two and some five PLUS! He is also not here bodily to help us raise them. He has passed that responsibility on to us.
I try my best to learn from others' mistakes instead of making them all myself! I've seen the two attitudes expressed by the servants in parents when raising their children. There are a lot of factors in raising children, and I know that not all children who decide not to serve the Lord do it because of bad parenting. However, it seems like the parents who are most successful invest their children into the work of the Lord. They teach them to be others-oriented rather than selfish and they, as a family, serve the Lord together. This is what the first two servants did with their talents--they invested them and God gave them fruit.
The sad thing is that many parents let fear control them like the unprofitable servant did. They don't just shelter their children until the time they are able to be released into the world, but they smother them and bury them. There is no thinking of others or the Lord's work because others might "contaminate" them. They "hide them under a mattress" so to speak. Of course, they are not ready to work for the Lord when/if they are on their own. They've never seen it in action.
The master in the parable wasn't upset because the servant had lost his talent. He was upset because it wasn't invested and multiplied. God wants us to do more than just "keep our kids in church". I don't believe God wants us to fear. He wants us to trust Him as the Giver of our children to help us parent His children. This is so much harder to do in practice than in theory. May God help me to invest my children back into His work without fear! Oh, how I want my testimony, as insignificant as it seems, to be carried on for generations by my children and my children's children.
What are your practical ideas for investing your children into the Lord's work?
God has given many of us children, some one, some two and some five PLUS! He is also not here bodily to help us raise them. He has passed that responsibility on to us.
I try my best to learn from others' mistakes instead of making them all myself! I've seen the two attitudes expressed by the servants in parents when raising their children. There are a lot of factors in raising children, and I know that not all children who decide not to serve the Lord do it because of bad parenting. However, it seems like the parents who are most successful invest their children into the work of the Lord. They teach them to be others-oriented rather than selfish and they, as a family, serve the Lord together. This is what the first two servants did with their talents--they invested them and God gave them fruit.
The sad thing is that many parents let fear control them like the unprofitable servant did. They don't just shelter their children until the time they are able to be released into the world, but they smother them and bury them. There is no thinking of others or the Lord's work because others might "contaminate" them. They "hide them under a mattress" so to speak. Of course, they are not ready to work for the Lord when/if they are on their own. They've never seen it in action.
The master in the parable wasn't upset because the servant had lost his talent. He was upset because it wasn't invested and multiplied. God wants us to do more than just "keep our kids in church". I don't believe God wants us to fear. He wants us to trust Him as the Giver of our children to help us parent His children. This is so much harder to do in practice than in theory. May God help me to invest my children back into His work without fear! Oh, how I want my testimony, as insignificant as it seems, to be carried on for generations by my children and my children's children.
What are your practical ideas for investing your children into the Lord's work?
Monday, March 2, 2009
Keys to A Lasting, Loving Marriage (Part Three)
This is the last part of a series on having a good marriage. I'll say once more that not one of these ideas originated with me, but I have been trying for the last ten years to incorporate them into my marriage. I've seen some beautiful, Godly marriages where the couples used these principles I'm sharing. If you missed the previous posts you can view Part One here and Part Two here.
I guess a series on marriage wouldn't be complete without dealing with the more "practical" side of marriage. I confess this is not an area I feel comfortable discussing, but the need is so great that I feel I must mention it. I've seen some long-standing marriages of highly respected people in my life disintegrate in the last few years, and it shook me to the core. If I can issue a warning to myself and others and save even one marriage, I will be eternally grateful.
I guess a series on marriage wouldn't be complete without dealing with the more "practical" side of marriage. I confess this is not an area I feel comfortable discussing, but the need is so great that I feel I must mention it. I've seen some long-standing marriages of highly respected people in my life disintegrate in the last few years, and it shook me to the core. If I can issue a warning to myself and others and save even one marriage, I will be eternally grateful.
- Be affectionate always. Most of us have seen an older couple, married for many years, holding hands and thought, "Oh, how sweet!" Why? Sadly, it is unusual to see couples married more than a few years being openly affectionate. Why does it matter? Most people never see your marriage up close and personal. In this world of skyrocketing divorce rates and broken homes, many have never seen a marriage worth imitating. The little glimpse they see of a couple holding hands, smiling into each others' eyes or walking arm in arm may be all they ever see of a Christian marriage. What a testimony to the beautiful love of God! Your children need to see it. My parents have always been openly affectionate, and it gave us children a security that we subconsciously understood before we could express. Even if no one else is watching, it sends a positive marriage to your husband when you are willing to show him affection. It tells him, "She loves me and doesn't care who knows it. She must be proud to be my wife." After all, isn't that how you feel when your husband surprises you with a peck on the cheek in the middle of the mall?
- Guard yourself carefully. Yes, I mean around other men. It disturbs me when even Christian women are flirtatious or careless in touching men other than their husbands. I want to be careful not to offend, but isn't a friendly handshake sufficient? It's so easy for the devil to tempt us in these areas, and no one is above temptation. Maybe some are rolling their eyes, but my relationship with my husband is so precious, I would never want to harm it in any way. He feels the same about me.
- Fulfill each others' needs. You knew it was coming, didn't you? Actually, I am going to be chicken and refer you to another post about this aspect of marriage. Jess' post at Making Home says it better than I can. She is talking to Christian married women very practically. I may not be quite ready to blog about this, but that doesn't mean I don't feel strongly about it. I'm not about to give God's beautiful plan for marriage over to Satan. I hope you won't, either.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)